she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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