I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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