i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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