i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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