I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
