is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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