I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
