If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
