Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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