I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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