I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
