We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just high enough for therapy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
