Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
