My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
