Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
