He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Randomize
