Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize