So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
