It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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