Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
