i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
