How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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