i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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