Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
