i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
