and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
