so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My life is pants optional.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
