The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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