I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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