I have demons in me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
pop tarts are not kleenex
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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