Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
