I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
