Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
