How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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