I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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