I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
