thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
