never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
