I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
