I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
