Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you win again, gameday.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
