hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
