I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Randomize
