sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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