I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
