So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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