Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
as a side note pls kill me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
