Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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