Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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