If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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