I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
