you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
