Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
