Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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