He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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