You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
