He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
