i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
