Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
