Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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