Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
