Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
