Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
